Monday, July 19, 2010

How To Catch a Man

Overfeed him to the point where even if he tries to run, you will catch him.

No wait, that's not the kind of catching I meant...


I have recently decided that it is high time for me to think about dating again. It's been a few years - great years actually - and I'm feeling a little out of practice on how to go about this, so I decided to do my research.

It seems that one of the more popular methods is the miniskirt method. It goes as follows:

1. Wear short skirt
2. Walk around near object of intention
3. Wiggle appropriate protrusions (The question of T or A will depend on your own particular endowments and object's preferences - research the latter, if possible)

Another popular method, especially with the late high school to early university crowd is what I call the "liquid courage" method. It involves:

1. Drink alcohol
2. Make out

At this point there are variable outcomes with quite different degrees of success. Much like a choose your own adventure novel, your actions will decide the fate of this method. Some possibilities are:

3. Sex (which can lead to an even greater number of outcomes, with more extreme consequences, for better or worse)

3. Intense Awkwardness (which can also follow Sex)

3. Guilt and Recrimination (which can follow both sex and intense awkwardness)

3. Never talking to object ever again

3. Absolutely nothing

3. Smug looks from one or both parties at future encounters.

Now, neither of these methods seemed quite right to me. It's true that they work, and I have seen it and known people to have succeeded with them, but they are fairly hit-and-miss, with potentially embarrassing fallout.
At this point, I knew I would have to broaden my research beyond things I could see myself, and go to some legitimate sources of information.

Cosmopolitan had an informative article entitled "How to Win a Guy in 10 seconds" which might be useful. It included such tidbits as "Insult everything about him so he thinks you're better than him. That's a huge turn-on" and "Ask to borrow his phone then erase all the numbers but yours. He’ll know you mean business. He may be mad now, but he'll appreciate it later." as well as my favourite "Begin sobbing uncontrollably out of nowhere, and refuse to explain why. Men love mystery."

There is of course, one more way that I seem to hear about extraordinarily often, considering how rarely I've seen it or read about it. It goes as follows:

1. Talk to guy, tell him what you feel and ask him out.

Now, I find this to be extremely suspect. It just seems too simple. Talk to him? Be honest? That can't be right, or there wouldn't be so many sources telling us to do otherwise. What about all those magazines? Those helpful "Ask Annie" type newspaper columns? If it was so easy, why do we even need to ask? If it's so easy, why haven't I done it and why am I wondering about it?

Obviously, because it doesn't work.

This method is a myth.

Guess I'll have to go with the scientific method and try each way. Or maybe just feed everybody cookies until one of them is too slow to run away.

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